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| HUMOR FROM THE PUMPKIN PATCH By Marti Lawrence Hi! I am a wife, mother, friend, webmaster, humor columnist, online retailer, photographer, pumpkin farmer.........a woman who is trying to do ten things at once, but only succeeding at about half of them! I am also extraordinarily clumsy. I started this website, and writing humor columns following my latest debacle, breaking my leg. My husband is a telecommunications genius, who keeps my equipment running and my heart a-pounding. We have been together for more than 25 years and I love him more every day. And not just because he keeps my computer running! |
| We live on a hilltop acreage, about 25 miles east of Kansas City, Missouri. (Natives pronounce it, "Ma-zoo-rah".) Our little farmhouse is one of the oldest buildings in the area, age about 100 years. Suburbia is rapidly approaching, and the lights in the valley multiply more every day. We have 3 children. Eldest Son no longer resides with us, as he is 26 years old and sharp as a tack. He shares a house with some buddies and works in the retail electronics industry. Middle Son graduated from high school with honors last year, and is currently earning college tuition working in food service. He hopes to enroll next fall. Daughter (also very bright - hey, I'm a mom, I get to brag!) is a freshman in high school this year, and is very tired of small town teachers who educated both of her brothers, eyeballing her and saying, "Don't you have older brothers who went here?" Her sweet disposition prevents any serious complaining though. My humor articles are shown below, and links to our sale items are on the navigation bar. We sold pumpkins here at the farm for a while, hence this page name (and my cyber-identity in some circles). I appreciate you stopping by, and hope you'll visit regularly!. |
| Articles published in The Examiner Newspaper FROM 2004 |
Not the Best Kind of Breaking News
In December, I broke my right ankle, shattering several bones and requiring hours of surgical repair.
Being of not-so-sound mind, and even less-sound body, I decide this is a great topic for a humorous
essay.
Early that morning, it was snowing fiercely, and I had to drive Middle Son to High School to take the
ACT. I was relieved to return home safely, since the roads were very slippery. I approached the front
door, pausing for a moment to admire the beauty of the new-fallen snow. MORE>>>
In December, I broke my right ankle, shattering several bones and requiring hours of surgical repair.
Being of not-so-sound mind, and even less-sound body, I decide this is a great topic for a humorous
essay.
Early that morning, it was snowing fiercely, and I had to drive Middle Son to High School to take the
ACT. I was relieved to return home safely, since the roads were very slippery. I approached the front
door, pausing for a moment to admire the beauty of the new-fallen snow. MORE>>>
Survival Skills and Shopping
The Super Bowl many consider it the ultimate competition. (No comment on the half-time show.)
Others think "challenge" is defined as the reality show that followed - pitting man against nature and
his fellow man (or woman). I smirk and say, "Ha!" with a haughty head toss, because I know what the
ultimate survival experience is.
Shopping. MORE>>>
Step into spring, or get stuck trying
Ah! Spring! Glorious spring is sprung! Alas, I am sprung as well. No longer actually "broken", my
right ankle continues to heal. Recent x-rays indicate the bones are growing themselves back
together, probably curious about the metallic intruders in their space. (Fibula to Tibia - "Psssst!
What's with the new guys in the neighborhood? Very shiny!") The pain has steadied out to a dull
steady rhythm, syncopated to my heartbeat. If I wrote rap music it would make a dandy background -
boom-chaka-boom-chaka! MORE>>>
Meet the Queen of Blutz
I...(pausing for dramatic effect)...am a Blutz.
When Husband met my extended family for the first time, one cousin asked, "Is she still a klutz?" He
smiled knowingly and nodded. But truth be told, it is actually much, much worse. MORE>>>
Mechanical mayhem never ceases to follow columnist
Scientists and engineers will tell you that mechanical devices and machines can’t think or feel.
Nonsense.
I know they can, and they all know (and hate)…me. MORE>>>
When it rains it pours
Doing battle with the dreaded roof gremlins
When it rains, it pours.
And of course at my home, that means literally.
Since the house is older than any of my living relatives, the windstorm earlier this week was not kind
to the roof. Some of the shingles started talking to one another, (they are terrible gossips) and
decided to visit Canada, so they dislodged themselves and headed north on the jet stream.
Then it began to rain. MORE>>>
High Salt Generator
Middle Son is now a High School Graduator.
I am now a High Salt Generator.
We gathered the family (also known as the Tribe of Tremendous Tribulation), under the midday sun
for the commencement. Of course before leaving the house I had to repair my makeup because he
looked so adorable in his cap and gown…and I cried.
I looked at all of those shining young faces, marching in unison towards the stage and their
destinies, resplendent in their blue and white…and I cried. MORE>>>
The Law of Averages
As luck would have it, (which of course, means Misfortune has struck yet again) it has been an
unusually rainy summer. This is precipitated (sorry, bad pun) by the leak in my roof.
According to the Rules of Misfortune, because my roof has developed a leak, rain will fall in vastly
greater quantities than normal. Once the roof is replaced, expect drought conditions.
On those few brief days when the skies haven’t been drenching us, I have contacted roofing
contractors to come by for estimates on the repairs. This has been an interesting experience.
MORE>>>
Days Spent in the Dark
As you may recall from my last Tale of Tribulation, our roof leaks, so roofing contractors were called
out for estimates.
They explained to me that my lightning rod was supposed to still be up on top of my chimney, as
opposed to lying on the ground, still attached to a brick that was knocked off by a large limb during a
severe storm.
I related this story, poking just a little fun at their cognitive abilities, and karma circled around to kick
me, because the house got struck by lightning. MORE>>>
Fall Brings Color Change
It’s Blue Toe Season!
In the ocean of injuries I have inflicted on my body, (amputated-then-reattached-finger, multiple
fractures, surgical insertion of pins, screws and metal plates, and more stitches than a quilt), a
stubbed toe is barely a ripple.
But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Have you ever plowed little-toe-first into something solid? I mean REALLY solid? Ouch! MORE>>>
FROM 2005
Dress for Success
In addition to all of the colds, stuffy noses, sore throats and flu symptoms the Tribe of Tribulation has
been though this year, I have endured a Major Mommy Meltdown from Wardrobe Malfunction.
No, not like the infamous halftime debacle, but from having to invent several costumes to conjure up
the look of many far-away lands. Conjuring up made mommy a witch by last week’s end. MORE>>>
Kamikaze Kittens
We are now blessed with two new little bundles of joy.
No, I didn’t give birth, and we don’t have any grandchildren. These are kittens.
Eldest Son no longer lives at home. He shares a household with several other very nice young
people, and together they have a dog and a cat. Cats, being…well, cats, are tricky. Their cat managed
to sneak outdoors several months ago, and rewarded the household with the fruits of the escape, a
batch of new kittens. MORE>>>
The Super Bowl many consider it the ultimate competition. (No comment on the half-time show.)
Others think "challenge" is defined as the reality show that followed - pitting man against nature and
his fellow man (or woman). I smirk and say, "Ha!" with a haughty head toss, because I know what the
ultimate survival experience is.
Shopping. MORE>>>
Step into spring, or get stuck trying
Ah! Spring! Glorious spring is sprung! Alas, I am sprung as well. No longer actually "broken", my
right ankle continues to heal. Recent x-rays indicate the bones are growing themselves back
together, probably curious about the metallic intruders in their space. (Fibula to Tibia - "Psssst!
What's with the new guys in the neighborhood? Very shiny!") The pain has steadied out to a dull
steady rhythm, syncopated to my heartbeat. If I wrote rap music it would make a dandy background -
boom-chaka-boom-chaka! MORE>>>
Meet the Queen of Blutz
I...(pausing for dramatic effect)...am a Blutz.
When Husband met my extended family for the first time, one cousin asked, "Is she still a klutz?" He
smiled knowingly and nodded. But truth be told, it is actually much, much worse. MORE>>>
Mechanical mayhem never ceases to follow columnist
Scientists and engineers will tell you that mechanical devices and machines can’t think or feel.
Nonsense.
I know they can, and they all know (and hate)…me. MORE>>>
When it rains it pours
Doing battle with the dreaded roof gremlins
When it rains, it pours.
And of course at my home, that means literally.
Since the house is older than any of my living relatives, the windstorm earlier this week was not kind
to the roof. Some of the shingles started talking to one another, (they are terrible gossips) and
decided to visit Canada, so they dislodged themselves and headed north on the jet stream.
Then it began to rain. MORE>>>
High Salt Generator
Middle Son is now a High School Graduator.
I am now a High Salt Generator.
We gathered the family (also known as the Tribe of Tremendous Tribulation), under the midday sun
for the commencement. Of course before leaving the house I had to repair my makeup because he
looked so adorable in his cap and gown…and I cried.
I looked at all of those shining young faces, marching in unison towards the stage and their
destinies, resplendent in their blue and white…and I cried. MORE>>>
The Law of Averages
As luck would have it, (which of course, means Misfortune has struck yet again) it has been an
unusually rainy summer. This is precipitated (sorry, bad pun) by the leak in my roof.
According to the Rules of Misfortune, because my roof has developed a leak, rain will fall in vastly
greater quantities than normal. Once the roof is replaced, expect drought conditions.
On those few brief days when the skies haven’t been drenching us, I have contacted roofing
contractors to come by for estimates on the repairs. This has been an interesting experience.
MORE>>>
Days Spent in the Dark
As you may recall from my last Tale of Tribulation, our roof leaks, so roofing contractors were called
out for estimates.
They explained to me that my lightning rod was supposed to still be up on top of my chimney, as
opposed to lying on the ground, still attached to a brick that was knocked off by a large limb during a
severe storm.
I related this story, poking just a little fun at their cognitive abilities, and karma circled around to kick
me, because the house got struck by lightning. MORE>>>
Fall Brings Color Change
It’s Blue Toe Season!
In the ocean of injuries I have inflicted on my body, (amputated-then-reattached-finger, multiple
fractures, surgical insertion of pins, screws and metal plates, and more stitches than a quilt), a
stubbed toe is barely a ripple.
But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Have you ever plowed little-toe-first into something solid? I mean REALLY solid? Ouch! MORE>>>
FROM 2005
Dress for Success
In addition to all of the colds, stuffy noses, sore throats and flu symptoms the Tribe of Tribulation has
been though this year, I have endured a Major Mommy Meltdown from Wardrobe Malfunction.
No, not like the infamous halftime debacle, but from having to invent several costumes to conjure up
the look of many far-away lands. Conjuring up made mommy a witch by last week’s end. MORE>>>
Kamikaze Kittens
We are now blessed with two new little bundles of joy.
No, I didn’t give birth, and we don’t have any grandchildren. These are kittens.
Eldest Son no longer lives at home. He shares a household with several other very nice young
people, and together they have a dog and a cat. Cats, being…well, cats, are tricky. Their cat managed
to sneak outdoors several months ago, and rewarded the household with the fruits of the escape, a
batch of new kittens. MORE>>>
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